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25 April 2010 @ 07:36 pm
Hearing words from friends and family trying to encourage and be supportive doesn't always help.  They come at you and somehow lose their meaning or they seem impossible to actually happen.

You want to believe they are heart felt and times will get better.  Sometimes the last thing you want to hear is how this time will pass and things will come together.  Hearing about we all struggle and things work out one way or another can annoy you more then encourage you.

Hopes and dreams have been shattered in the past, it is hard to imagine any new ones could become possible.  Perhaps you don't want to hope or dream because disappointment hurts too much.
I don't know what I can say or do to show you that life isn't a spiraling pit to hell.  I don't know how to get it through to you that once you give up and stop having dreams and hope is when you die inside. 

Please don't let that happen.  Please!  Just try to hang on to your dreams.  Never let go of hope.

You are loved!  You are someone special!  You have made my life better and brighter just by being in it.  I am sure there are others who can say the same to you.  
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
25 March 2010 @ 10:34 pm
Right now I am a just a ball of stress.  I promise a real update soon.  I wish time would SLOW DOWN!!!
Current Mood: stressedstressed
23 March 2010 @ 08:01 am

I am up before the sun.  I would not have minded sleeping in later.  I did sleep well, but by 5:55am I was awake.  I didn't want to be.  I checked on my son, who was half way sleeping on his bed.  He kept doing that last night.  I tucked him back in and then tried to go back to bed again.  I remember a professor who keeps posting and giving us wrong information and is pissing me off.  I think I need to speak with my academic counselor about the situation.  Her misinformation and then WAITING past the deadline to answer me about it caused me to miss an assignment.  Then she stupidly asks me why did I miss that assignment a few days later.  If my son hadn't been sitting next to me I would have spew worth a whole list of profanities at the computer screen when I read her message.

Anyways, that thought kept me from going back to sleep.  My coffee just now finished brewing!  I love my coffee. 

So I kept reading about some Jamie Oliver on everyone's OpenDiary.  I don't watch too much tv and had no idea about this guy and his new show.  Since I love to cook and have following Dr.Oz's book, I figured I should look this guy up.  I was able to watch the first episode online at his website.  WOW!  He has such a good heart, so much compassion, composure and patience.  He is someone I can get behind.  He had a real presence.

I laughed and I cried watching it.  I had my headphones on so my husband had no idea what was going on.  I am going to add this show to my DVR list.  

Nathan teases me about how often I go to the grocery store.  It feels like it is almost everyday.  It isn't that I am forgetting something.  Well sometimes it is.  It is mainly because I buy fresh fruits and veggies and such as we need them. I do not think that you can just shop once a week or every two weeks, and still have fresh produce that lasts.  I buy what I need for a couple of days for meals at a time.  Now this isn't great for allowing me time but it is healthier and better for my family. 

I feel for the people in Huntington.  Being told what you have been doing isn't best for you and your children is a lot to accept.  Being told that just because something appears to be easier doesn't mean it is or that it is good.  There are simple healthy meals not made from processed and pre-made food.  My son's favorite breakfast is yogurt and fruit.  It is easy and good for him.  Some days he will wants some cereal and fruit and even that is good for him.  Yes I will make eggs and bacon some days.  We also love pancakes and french toast.  Those meals take more time and aren't served everyday.

I have found sometimes keeping it simple, is healthy, fun and delicious. 

Also I know how hard change is.  If you have been told this is acceptable and have done it the same way all the time, being told that isn't right can be upsetting.  Of course you can become defensive.  Who wants to feel like a fool or feel like they are being put down or made fun of?  Even though the changes are being brought to you in a non-offensive or not in a demeaning way, you can take things the wrong way.  It happens!  So seeing people disagreeing with Jamie isn't surprising. 

I still can't get over potato pearls................  I understand dried potato flakes that you mix with milk, and butter.  For those such as my mother who make horrible mashed potatoes.  I love her but she has limited skills in the kitchen.  She knows her weaknesses and would do her best.  What got me was that potato pearls looked like white paste and what they use to put in frozen tv dinners, like the 1970's HungryMan Fried Chicken and mashed potatoes meal!!!!  Ok I dated myself but you get my point. 

Recently I dvr'ed a few episodes of Penn and Teller's BullShi!.  The show is humorous and sometimes outrageous.  I watched their episode on Organic Foods.  Yes this is controversial.  Lately controversy has been surrounding me, so why not keep it going. 

Anyways in my quest to eat healthier, prepare better meal and enjoy what I am eating, I have tried many different things.  For one year we ate only free-range meats and tried a lot of organic fruits and vegetables, unless we were out and/or visiting others.  I wasn't trying to be a die hard fanatic.  This wasn't a religious choice for me to eat this way.  My husband and I wanted to try this out.  We ate well, the food was good.  I had fun trying new recipes and found a love for Ahi Steaks and for scallops.

I can't really say I was healthier for this.  My personal experience reflected no change.  My husband and I got the swine flu, ended up on medical leave due to anxiety and depression, worst allergies in years and didn't lose any weight.  In fact I gained weight.  I don't keep a pike up junk food in my house.  I don't eat when I am stressed and depressed.  My problem has been I don't eat when I am stressed and depressed.

Basically I began wondering what was I doing wrong.  Perhaps I was expecting too much, perhaps I was being unrealistic.  After all shouldn't I feel healthier and be healthier?

By the time my Wedding came up last year, it had been a year since we started eating organic foods and free range meat.  It was at this time we stopped.  No not all together stopped but we were going to figure out how to eat.  I wasn't going to start buying junk food and shoving chicken nuggets down Kyle's throat.  I hadn't given up on my quest to eat healthier.  I just figured it was time to try something different.

A few months later, the new year started.  I was determined to make changes in my life and learn who I am.  After all for over 35 years, I had lived and never been a mother.  The time I was married, was hell.  I had stopped doing things I use to love.  My life was my family.

In three years I went from a single mom, wondering what this world held for me, to a happily married woman with a very precious son.  My focus was on raising my son while falling in love with a wonderful man.  I didn't have as much time for myself.  I was working and at first alone in raising Kyle.  It was exhausting but I wouldn't take any of it back.  I was happy. 

I wander off track a bit.  Now that Kyle is older and wanting to play on his own, I have more time for me.   Plus I have nate here to help and spend time with Kyle too.  Right now my me time, consists, of school, because I went back to college, reading, gaming and vegging out.  I wanted to find books that inspire me.  I wanted to build a new website.  My goal is to have this site up for 2011 up and running.  This is not an over night project and I won't rush it.

I tried several diet books and reviewed recipes.  I was tired of the "replacement" foods diets.  Replacement bland curds and soy gels in your favorite meals does NOT taste the same.  I want to find meals and foods that are healthy, delicious and not too time consuming to prepare.  Apparently I am expecting too much, or that is how it has seemed. 

Dr. Oz has made some good sense to me.  I am not trying to recreate my "favorite meals", with tofu or artificial sweetners.  I am learning better ways to prepare my meals.  I am learning how to proportionate my meals throughout the day better.  This makes more sense to me.

I have also lost weight and dropped dress sizes.  I do feel better.  I have more energy.  I haven't been as sick or for as long. 

I am not going to quote fact or statistics.  I am writing about my own personal experience.  This is my own personal quest for a better me.  A better me, means I am better for my family. 

I hate gimmicky diets and trend diets.  I just want to know what is healthiest for myself and my family.  I hope within a year I will have more answers.  That is my desire and my goal.


Current Mood: determineddetermined
17 March 2010 @ 08:02 pm

I am Irish!!!
Current Mood: sillysilly
02 March 2010 @ 10:02 am

Last Friday the town of John Day, OR held a protest and meeting in regards to the Aryan Nation moving their headquarters there.  Many people showed up and the property owner of the church building pulled it off the market so it is no longer for sale.

Oh the Aryan Nation says they will try to sue him and John Day for discrimination.  Yes you heard me.  I find it amusing that a bunch of racist pigs are crying about being discriminated.  Come on?  Really?

I just am glad that my Dad's old Church is safe from the Aryan Nation trying to buy it.  I also am glad that John Day stood up for themselves and are fighting to keep them out. 
Current Mood: relievedrelieved
22 February 2010 @ 10:03 am

So last night I log into facebook and my brother messages me and tells me to check out a group invite.  I thought it was going to be something silly but instead I joined the group and read through in disbelief.  The Aryan Nation wants to move to John Day, Oregon.  The more I learned, the sicker I grew.

Although I love the idea of them moving out of Idaho, I can not rejoice that they are going to a place my family has called home.  My anger grew as I learned that the one building they want to use, was my Dad's old church.  He was a pastor there and married my brother and his wife in that building.  A place that was full of love and a support to the community, will now be full of hate and prejudice.

John Day is a quiet small town.  It is a beautiful place that I enjoyed visiting.  My brother's in laws live there and his children spend a few weeks every sumer with them. 

I hope the Aryan Nation doesn't do this.  However if it can't be stopped, I pray my brother's inlaws are able to move out and get away from this all.

I am in tears.  That church was sacred and special to my family.  Now it will be a place many will despise and right fully so.

I really wish they would disappear.  I understand the freedom of speech but they are spreading hate and do not believe in equal rights for all.  They will be having a compound with survival training and that just sounds BAD!!! 


Please pray about this.  Please.

Current Mood: angryangry
08 February 2010 @ 08:47 am

I know... I know... parents always like to brag about how smart their kids are.  It is part of the excitement of watching your child grow and learn new things.

Nathan and I have taught him how to play and be creative.  We have showed him shapes and colors and all sorts of things.  It really really shows.  Kyle is always trying to carefully pronounce his words and use full sentences.  I know it surprises to strangers to see and hear this little 3 year old when we go out.

My inlaws spend a lot of time with Kyle and recently went to a family reunion and saw a lot of other kids Kyles age and older.  It surprised them to see how different Kyle was.  Kyle knows how to play well with others and talks a lot more then these kids did and knew more. 

Plus my son has one heck of a memory and blows us away all the time with what he recalls and knows.

Last night for the first time he sat down with a book he'd never seen with Nate's mom.  the book had stickers of marine life in the front that matched pictures in mini collages in the book.  apparently while looking for a certain animal he was remembering all the other ones he was seeing.  so when he got the next sticker he would know where to turn to and put it.  He was done with this book in minutes and didn't want to stop.  It amused me that he knew the difference between a squid and an octopus.

He is a smart little guy.  I am glad Nate and I take the time to sit with him and listen to him tell us stories and play.  I can tell we are doing well as parents because he is such a happy kid and he is learning reasoning and other development skills.  

While tv shows can help develop a child, it still can't replace one on one time with mama and daddy.  This is something Nate and I make sure we find time for everyday.  No matter how busy or tired we are.  Hey if we all are sick, we will lay down and snuggle and read a book or watch something on tv together.  Yes I said tv, if you are there helping explaining what is taking place and re-iterating things, it helps make it interactive for the child to absorb and learn.

When Nate comes home from work, he tries to spend at least an hour before bedtime just with Kyle.  I know it means a lot to Kyle and yes to Nate.  It means a lot to me that he makes Kyle a priority and puts him first before unwinding after a long day. 

Oh I am rambling I know.  heh I got some coffee in me.  If anything I hope parents find more and more time for their children and at the same time by doing so, the child learns how to go off and play alone and let their imagination run wild.  Nate and i will be watching Kyle from the corner of our eye as he is coming up with all sorts of things to do with his toys.  It is always a lot of fun to see what his little mind comes up with.

Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
04 February 2010 @ 08:32 pm
So for so long I have just dvr'ed a few shows and watch those and movies on the movie channels.  I just hate commercials and love being able to watch what I want on my own time.  Being a mom, I often have to watch cartoons or kiddie movies.  So when I get a chance to sit and watch tv, I can pull something off my DVR and enjoy.

Right now I watch:

CSI (yes all)
True Blood
Criminal Minds
Most Extreme
Project Runway
Top Model
South Park

Tonight I was in bed and actually watching Bones live.  I was shocked that the next show that came on was one that I had never even heard of.  Then when I googled it, I learned it had been on for 2 seasons.

DAMN!  I am out of it.  BTW Fringe so far is weird and NOT a good weird. 

So folks, enlighten me and direct me to tv shows you enjoy.  I would love to find something new to watch.

Also should I get a paid account here?  I just don't know if it is worth it.  And I sooooooooooooo need new icons.........I should make me up some.
Current Mood: curiouscurious
13 January 2010 @ 07:21 pm
I love making stuffed bell peppers.  It isn't always a quick and easy meal to make but it is good.  On the back of a package of cheese from Kraft I found a skillet version of stuffed bell peppers.  I did add garlic salt to season the meat!.  YUMMY!!!   We had a good friend Jacob over for dinner tomorrow and everyone loved it!  this was so simple and easy to make and clean up. 
Southwest Beef & Bell Pepper Skillet
(found on the back of the Kraft shredded cheese package)
  • 1 lb extra lean ground beef
  • 1 can (14.5 ounce) beef broth 
  • 1 can (10 ounce) diced tomatoes and green chilies, undrained 
  • 1 each large green and yellow pepper, thinly sliced then halved
  • 2 cups instant white rice, uncooked 
  • 2 cups finely shredded Colby and Monterey Jack cheese 
  1. Heat broiler.  Brown meat in large ovenproof skillet.  Stir in broth and tomatoes.  Bring to a boil.  
  2. Add peppers and rice; stir.  Cover; simmer on low heat for 5 minutes or until rice is tender. 
  3. Top with cheese.  Broil, uncovered, 2 to 3 minutes or until melted. 
Current Mood: sillysilly
29 December 2009 @ 11:52 am
I am 37 years old and had come to a point where I was content but not whole. Three years ago I gave birth to a little boy and was single and very alone. However the thought of being alone no longer scared me or worried me. I had come to a point in my life where I was happy and a mother. I became more cautious about who I let in my life and my son was my priority. I had a good solid job and could support my son and myself. These were things I didn't think I could do just a few years before.

Getting divorced and taking the steps to leave my ex husband was SCARY and difficult. I kept trying to wait for the perfect time to up and leave. Aren't we always waiting for the right time and for things to be in place? I nearly waited too late. I was ready to leave John and had plans in motion for it to happen but was waiting. I did have health issues to think about and had just been raped. I had what many would say were legit reasons to wait but I should not have. I knew I should have up and left over ago when I was grabbed by the throat and the back of my head smacked the wall of my laundry room. As his hands constricted around my throat and I couldn't breathe, I felt certain I was not going to make it and prayed to God I would. John had gone too far and his temper was raging more then ever before.

After awhile I came to and crawled over to the front door and the police were pounding to come in. A neighbor had called the police. I knew I was going to be ok and knew I could never ever stay in that marriage. I knew deep down that I wouldn't have been so lucky next time if I stayed. I found a phone since John had hid them or taken the others with him and tried to call my family and friends for help. I didn't want to stay in the house alone and John had also taken my keys so I couldn't get in my car and go away. thankfully my parents did show up and that is the day I knew I could no longer wait, make excuses or rationalize staying married to John.

I wasn't eager to get into a relationship again. I was guarded and yet I still dated and although, the guys were better men the John, they were losers. Being alone and pregnant was scary but I was determined to be the best mother I could be for my son.

Needless to say when I came back from maternity leave, I met Nathan at work. We both were friends with another co-worker and got to know each other better. I hadn't expected on falling in love. I wasn't looking for love. I know Nathan wasn't either nor did he want to be a father.

Funny how things change your heart and mind. In the spring of this year Nathan and i became engaged. He was and is in every way, my son Kyle's father. I had a family and love was and still is strong between us. Nathan is a man whom would never raise his voice nor strike me. He loves me and respects me. I know I have no reason to fear him. He would never hurt my son nor myself. He doesn't make excuses for his short comings or place all the blame on me when things go wrong. I am so not use to this but it is nice.

So this year unexpectedly, the dream of a happy marriage and a loving family came to reality. I thank God for giving me a second chance and such a loving good husband and a beautiful little boy. If anything, I hope others gain the strength within them to make changes in their lives for the better and before it is too late.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative